Nick: I think Koko Dylan doesn't want to play with me anymore.
Me: Why do you think so?
Nick: He's always so busy with his i-Pod and he almost never talks to me now.
Me: O yes, I can see that.
Nick: He used to play with us but now he's very quiet. Maybe he doesn't like me.
Me: Koko Dylan is turning into a teenager, Nick. It's not that he doesn't like YOU. He likes different things now. His own music, his own gadget..
Nick: Are all teenagers like that?
Me: Hhhhmmm... All teenagers, like all children, are different. But most children change when they turn into teenagers.
Nick: How?
Me: For one, they're sometimes snappy.. especially to their own parents.
Nick: I will NEVER change. I will NEVER be like Koko Dylan.
Me: Okay.... (searching for the right words)
Nick: And I will NEVER be snappy.. especially to you! I love you.. (tears welling up his little eyes)
Me: I love you, Nick... (hugging him even tighter, knowing that this, too, shall pass one day)
It happened almost two years ago when he was just eight; when he was still my little knight, my little eaglet, my biggest fan... Now, he's five months short to eleven years old and he has forgotten his promise not to be snappy. He's snappy when we ask him to repeat a statement that we fail to understand. He's snappy when things don't go his way. He's snappy when we ask him to do things he doesn't want to do. And that's not all... He locks his bedroom door. He doesn't listen and always asks "why?" in a more pressing manner. He enjoys spending more time with his friend than with his once-inseperable cousin. He ignores us from time to time. And he's just a pre-teen!
Well, he still kisses me in private as well as in public, holds my hands when walking, hugs me when he comes home from school (when he's no too tired), cuddles and asks me to tuck him in every night. Part of him is still the little eaglet that I know. But I know that very soon he's going to fly and soar, reaching his own star. And when the time comes, I'm gonna have to let go.
My fellow parents, when your once-sweet-and-cute-and-cuddly babies turn to somebody remotely similar to the ones you know for over 10 years, do not panic! Instead, be HAPPY and be THANKFUL!
But how can we be happy and thankful for those hard times? It's soooo hard to love that snappy little mouth; not to mention the hawk-eye look everytime we ask him to do something he doesn't want to do or the cold shoulder we get everytime we want to know what's going on in that not-so-little mind. Well, let's first look at the big picture and once you can see that with a clear mind, your roller coaster journey with your teens will be worthwhile.
First, let's look at what happens in different stages of life.
Nobody, your child included, is born with established identity, except for the genetic traits that you pass down to him. So when your child is born, he is a clean slate. In the first five years of his life, he accumulates as much data as possible from the world around him. The next five years is a period when the data is refined and your child shows certain behavior that reflects his sense of self according to the data he has previously accumulated. During pre-teen, between 10 and 12 years of age, your child is forming beliefs about the world and about himself. These beliefs rule his actions (moral and ethics). Then, after about 12 years living the safe and comfortable life as he knows it, suddenly, BAM!!!! along comes puberty.
In this period - PUBERTY - "everything he knows about life and about himself is swept away in a rush of surging hormones and he has to START OVER." (Positive Discipline For Teenagers - Nelson and Lott)
Imagine yourself driving along a smooth highroad, Michael Buble singing "Home" in the background, windows down so you can feel the breeze... then, out of nowhere, you see light in front of you, so bright that you lose control of where to go. Having passed this road a thousand times, you know perfectly well there is no turning so you only have one choice: drive on! You keep going, more slowly, trying to figure out what is happening and where you are heading. That, my fellow parents, is what our children are feeling when they enter adolescence.
Adolescence, or the teenage years, is a transition time for kids and parents alike. If you think it's hard for you, it's even harder for them! They are feeling some things they have never felt before. They experience changes to their bodies that they can only imagine before. All that they have learnt about puberty, at school as well as at home, come rushing to them in pails, in buckets, and in torrents. They are at a loss.
To make matters worse, the education system all over the world sees this time as the perfect momentum to separate our children from the trusted and well-established connection in a stable group of primary teachers. During high school, teachers do not relate to students on a personal level anymore because, at this time, teachers change every hour according to subjects. Children can no longer feel safe in the hands of one or two teachers that can give them constant guidance to help them understand. Now, they have many teachers but none of them show interest in getting to know them personally. They come and go as the bell rings. They've lost a trusted source of information.
How about parents? Us? Well, with a growing needs to survive in this modern world, most families need to have two sources of income, both from the dad and the mom. Thus, you have less time to spend with your children. When you do hang out together, more often than not, you choose safe subjects; subjects that do not intrude and subjects that do not need serious discussions. This is for the sake of quality time, some people say. But one thing that most people share in common is that they don't feel at ease talking about hormonal changes, sexual or non sexual - the one area that your children are at a complete loss.
Then, there is the inexplicable need to "rediscover" themselves. They no longer want to be associated with being kids. They want to separate from the stereotype of being children. They are big now. They want you to know that they can do things without your help (read: hovering around and breathing down their neck). However, they know perfectly well that they need you to help them survive. Yet, they are too proud to ask. They need to create a new identity, an identity that they can call their own. They are no longer your little knight, little princess, little eaglet, little owlet, little fawn, and other sweet looking babies you can think of. They need to come out of their shell - transforming like a butterfly.
For them to be able to do this, they need support. From you, the parents. They need you to say that everything will be alright. They need to hear from you "It's ok, dear. Go seize the day. Make mistakes and learn from them! We're here whenever you need us."
But what happens in real life? As parents, we worry. As parents, we want to protect them. As parents, we want to make sure they're safe. As parents, we want them to succeed. As parents, we want them to avoid the mistakes that we did in the past when we were their age. To safe them from failure, from getting hurt, from being left behind. We want to safe them from a process of growing!
Fellow parents, this series of articles "Raising Positive Teens" are not meant to instruct you. This is merely a reminder that we were once a teenager. We might have been lost in the past but we came out fine. We might have failed in the past, but we got up and continued our journey. And here we are, stronger than before. Let's help our teenagers survive their own battle, by first getting to know what's going on in their little world of adolescence.
Next in the series:
- what your teenagers are facing in the outside world
- how we can help them survive
No comments:
Post a Comment