My Me Time, Alone In Bali

This is the last day of my holiday, my me time, alone in Bali. What have I accomplished? Have I achieved what I came here for?

A friend said that if I wanted to do some contemplating and reflecting, I was supposed to come to a guru. I wasn't supposed to be by myself.

Another friend said that if I wanted to refresh and renew, rediscover my reasons for being, I was supposed to join a meditation class.   

I lead with my heart. My heart said I should go by myself. My heart said I should spend some time alone. And I did.

So, how did it go?

In the beginning it was rather awkward. At the airport I saw people going in groups, small and big - with families, with a partner, with friends - and this made me feel somewhat selfish. There I was, leaving for a holiday in Bali, all by myself.

Then, as soon as I reached Bali, I felt a lot better. I left my family at home but I knew that part of this trip was for my family. I didn't like the me that I had turned into the last few months. Well, I did see how I'd changed in the last few years. But the last few months were terrible. I was in the brink of a nervous breakdown. I even had a few anxiety attacks that once led me to the ER. And once, without warning, I found myself opening up to my very close friends, something I would not do in normal circumstances. This is surely a sign that I could bear it no longer.

A friend told me to go around Bali and have fun.

Another friend told me to visit Kintamani and Bedugul for reasons I did not care to find out. 

Another friend advised me to rent a car and go to places I want to visit.

Again, I lead with my heart. My heart said I should just stay still and be quiet. My heart said I should just contemplate. And I did.

Anyway, keeping my words not to deal with work and my small "universe" was tougher than I thought. I knew that some friends told me to just turn off my line of communication. No mobile devices whatsoever. I tried that, but it made me uneasy. I wanted my life to be on pause. But I wanted life around me to run as usual. I wanted to know that my world still revolved even without me present, because that was what my trip was about. I wanted to be on the sideline from time to time. I didn't like to be the centre of my small "universe." I didn't like to be the "military base" (borrowing Nick's terms about me). I didn't want to be the most important part of my small "universe." And keeping my mobile devices on allowed me to see and feel that the world did revolve without me present.

Keeping my mobile devices on (most of the time) also made me realize that I matter in this world. I know that I am needed and I am missed (Sorry for not replying your texts or answering your calls, though. Nothing personal, really!). I also know that what I do in this world matters. Otherwise, people would not realize I was "missing." Well, I guess this is just me being vain. #blush#

This alone has made me realize that I should just embrace whatever role God has entrusted me with. I shouldn't have complained. I shouldn't have whined. I should just embrace. I should just enjoy it while it lasts.

Well, several times during this "me time", I felt like I blew it. I was negatively affected by what was going on. I failed to embrace the moment. I forgot to let go. I snapped. I controlled. I dominated, even from afar. I even thought that the whole trip would be a waste.

But, I'd like to believe that God knows me soooo well that He kept on pushing me to the limit so I could see which way to go once I reached the diverging lanes.

There was once a memorable incident. (Well, the word "memorable" cannot quite describe it, but I can't think of a better word.) I was sitting on the beach, far from the water line. I didn't want to get wet so I stayed in a safe distance. I looked at the waves. I listened to the sound of the wind, the sound of the water, the sound of nature, the sound of "God." Then, there they came... feelings that I knew I had to let go but I stubbornly kept in the centre of my heart. Feelings that I was supposed to just let go so I could move on with my life. Feelings that hurt me so much. Feelings that became the biggest reason for this trip. Then God touched me. He came with the water that suddenly touched me. I was sitting very far from the water line. I didn't want to get wet. But the water lapped my feet. I was sitting very far from the water line but the water came close to me. God touched me. That's how I want to believe. Because right at that moment I knew... I knew why... I knew how... I just knew...

And now, at the end of my trip, I can proudly say that I have accomplished some of the things I set out to do. I'm going home with a new perspective on life. I'm going home knowing that I'm not alone.

There is a big gaping hole, a deep scar, that I have to carry home now, though. But still, I'm happy. This scar is a reminder that I'm human. I'm alive. I have feelings. I'm not numb. After all, what's the point of living when we can no longer feel. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

I came here hoping to refresh and renew. I'm going home with new perspectives.

I came here hoping to rediscover my reasons for being. I'm going home with confidence.

I came here hoping to wash away my pain, my burdens. I'm going home with an aching heart to remind me I'm human.

I am content.

PS:

Thank you, my Beacon, Aan, for understanding how I need this trip.

Thank you, my Little Eaglet, Nick, for letting me have this precious "me-time."

Thank you, my Inspiring Mom, for believing in me.

Thank you, my ever-trusting Sister, Yinni, for worrying about me so much that you must've sent continuous prayers while I'm here.

Thank you, my dearest Sister, Meily, for not questioning me why.

Thank you, my ever-understanding Sister, Memey, for showing me that it's ok.

Thank you, my best Confidants, Herny, Irene, Miming, for your constant support.

Thank you, my Invaluable Guru, Sapta Dwikardana, for showing me that I'm not (that) weird. 

And for my little baby in Heaven, I love you... Mommy's letting you go but never will you ever be forgotten.. You are forever in my heart.. Till we meet again.. I love you...