Pesta Semu Kelulusan

Berlalu sudah keriaan pesta graduasi yang terbalut kemegahan sekelas 'award night' ala stasiun TV nasional; yang tinggal adalah penggalan-penggalan kenangan masa-masa indah sekolah yang akan diputar ulang 5 atau 15 atau 25 tahun dari sekarang.

Masih segar dalam ingatan pertanyaan Semata Wayangku semalam sebelum pesta graduasi: "Mom, are you proud that I'm graduating?" Dan jawabanku masih terasa menggantung di tepian bibir: "Biasa aja.. Lulus SMP itu harus, Dear. Ngga ada pilihan sebaliknya."

Penggalan percakapan Rabu malam itu, terjalin dan tersimpul bersama dengan pemandangan meriah para orangtua yang sibuk merayakan keberhasilan Sang Putra dan Putri kebanggaan, menari-nari menggelitik dalam ruang-ruang pikiranku. Semakin dalam aku masuk dalam ruang-ruang itu, semakin kuat suara itu berteriak: patutkah kalian merayakan kelulusan SMP atau SMA dengan kemegahan setara itu? Apa arti dari kebanggaan yang dipamerkan di laman-laman akun media sosial kalian?

Anak-anakku sayang, mari duduk dan merenung sejenak. Kalian diantar oleh papa dan mama kalian ke sekolah unggulan dan bukankah SUDAH SEPANTASNYA kalian menyelesaikan jenjang pendidikan ini hingga tuntas? Pantaskah kelulusan dilihat sebagai SUATU HAL YANG ISTIMEWA? Bukankah kelulusan kalian adalah KEHARUSAN dan BUKAN PENCAPAIAN untuk dirayakan. Kelulusan seyogyanya menjadi saat yang tepat untuk berhenti sejenak dan melihat ke belakang sebelum kalian melangkah mendekati mimpi (yang mudah-mudahan merupakan) pilihan kalian. Kelulusan ini hendaknya menjadi momentum untuk MENSYUKURI KARUNIA DAN RAHMAT ALLAH yang dititipkan melalui tangan dan hati orangtua kalian. 

Anak-anakku sayang, selama tiga tahun di jenjang SMP dan tiga tahun di jenjang SMA, kalian bekerja keras: mengerjakan tugas yang bertumpuk, belajar dan menghafal untuk ulangan, terjaga sampai larut menyelesaikan proyek dari sekolah, bangun pagi-pagi buta mengejar jam sekolah yang terasa terlalu pagi, terkantuk-kantuk mendengarkan guru bicara sambil menunggu jam istirahat atau jam pulang, berdesak-desakan di kantin sekolah setiap jam makan siang, menebalkan telinga saat mendengar omelan guru karena kalian tertangkap melakukan pelanggaran, menebalkan telinga saat papa dan mama melantunkan lagu merdu karena nilai-nilai di raport berbunga merah. Belum lagi perjuangan hati saat melihat putri atau pangeran pujaan hati lewat di depan kelas bergandengan tangan dengan orang lain. Dan akhirnya semua perjuangan kalian membuahkan hasil: kelulusan. 

Lega bahwa satu jenjang sudah terselesikan, tentu! Senang karena kalian telah berhasil melewati masa-masa penuh tantangan, pasti! Bahagia karena hasil kerja sekian tahun sudah terangkum meriah dalam pesta kelulusan, boleh! 

Namun, anak-anakku sayang, mari melihat lebih dalam. Apakah itu semua adalah perjuangan semata? Ataukah semua yang kalian alami itu justru merupakan karunia dan kesempatan berharga? Sudahkah kalian bersyukur atas kesempatan yang kalian dapatkan? Untuk setiap kali kalian sulit dibangunkan di pagi hari, terpikirkah bahwa ada anak-anak di luar sana yang setiap pagi harus bangun sebelum matahari terbit karena mereka harus bergegas bekerja mengais rejeki? Untuk setiap keluhan akan PR dan ulangan yang sulit, terpikirkah bahwa anak-anak lain harus bergelut dengan sulitnya kehidupan? Untuk setiap kekecewaan akan nilai yang kurang baik, terpikirkah akan anak-anak yang seumur hidupnya tidak pernah melihat kertas ulangan? Untuk setiap kesia-siaan waktu yang dihabiskan bersenda gurau dengan telepon pintar kalian di waktu belajar, terpikirkah akan anak-anak yang tidak punya cukup waktu untuk melangkahkan kakinya ke sekolah? Untuk setiap omelan karena sopir terlambat menjemput, terpikirkah akan anak-anak yang harus menempuh jarak sehari semalam untuk sekedar mengikuti ujian akhir?

Anak-anakku sayang, berhentilah sejenak dan renungkanlah betapa kalian beruntung sudah diberi kesempatan untuk mendapatkan pendidikan yang layak. Peluklah orangtua kalian dan tataplah mata mereka serta berjanjilah dengan sepenuh hati bahwa kalian akan membuat mereka bangga bukan dengan keberhasilan karena lulus sekolah melainkan karena kalian mampu TUMBUH MENJADI PRIBADI YANG TANGGUH DAN PENUH KASIH PADA SESAMA.

Raising Positive Teens 2 - WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD?

“Be thankful that your daughter is being unpredictably difficult to understand,” I said. And I could clearly see that look of disbelief on the face of the well-meaning Mom and Dad who came to me for advice because their once-sweet girl had turned into an unpredictable, sulky, moody, and hard to understand young lady. I could almost hear them say, “Are you out of your mind? You’ve got to be kidding!”

No, I am not. I am serious, as serious as a solemn ceremony, if you know what I mean.

Dear fellow parents, no questions asked, we do want our children to grow with a healthy personality. We hope to see them succeed in all aspects of their life. For this, we continuously send prayers for our children’s wellbeing … as well as for our sanity especially at this time of ‘turmoil.’ And if we are having difficulties understanding what is happening to them, they are even more confused dealing with things happening around them – those that they can control as well as those they have no choice but to comply.

Well, remember the ride along the highway with Buble singing Home from our car stereo system? And remember that blinding light that came out of nowhere? That sudden blinding light is the activated Gonadotropin-releasing Hormone (GnRH), without which our teenagers will not grow taller and bigger, they will not develop their muscle mass, they will experience pubertal failure and they will definitely have no functioning reproductive systems. So, it is that hormone that makes sure our teenagers have normal physical and sexual developments. It is also that hormone that makes our teenagers lose the directions with which they are familiar during the first eleven to twelve years of their life.

For one, the surging hormone necessary in this pubertal phase sends them into the world of dating and/or sexual exploration. Worrying as this may be, the phase is completely normal as it helps teens develop their sense of self as well as discover their own values, needs, and desires. However, it is also important to note that the pre-frontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for decision making, controlling impulse, pondering over consequences, planning, and problem solving - does not mature until later in early adulthood. So, teenagers might rely heavily on their emotional part of the brain, the amygdala, when making decisions. This may lead to decisions made on impulse, resulting in aggressive, instinctive and emotional behavior.

The hormonal changes and the “slow” brain development are then faced with other factors that all of a sudden become the center of their being. What has been happening in the first twelve years of their life does not seem to matter so much now and they are drawn into other ‘big’ matters. The cute pink dress she used to love so much is now embarrassing because it makes her look fat and chubby. The T-shirt he would wear to any occasions despite our plea to choose another ‘more proper’ outfit is now prickly to his skin. The curly hair she used to be proud of is now the constant source of problem because those curls give her bad hair days everyday. Our constant nagging that he would at least brush his hair before going out has changed into our constant request that he would  stop meddling with his spiky hair just because he thinks it needs to be spikier.

The pressure to look good – whatever ‘good’ means in their mind – is starting to pull our kids away from the comfort of childhood. It seems so important for them to dress appropriately to be ‘accepted’ as members of the teenage community. As if this were not enough to put them on the constant ‘lookout’ for the latest trend, the desires to be recognized and to be the first to adopt the latest craze often drag our teenagers even further down the path towards the loss of identity.

What? Loss of identity? But I thought they were in search of their identity.

With the faster-than-light advance in communication technology, teenagers nowadays are facing pressures never before experienced by previous generations. Teenagers nowadays are presented with tons of medias to ‘help’ them not only find the newest fad but also express themselves. Unfortunately, with their lack of ability to make wise choices at this stage, there is a very big risk that they  might fall into the trap of following trends just to be recognized and not because they feel comfortable with the new trend. So, instead of finding themselves, they get lost in the identities of their idols. This phenomenon, that seems to happen earlier in teenage girls than their male counterparts, may lead to an erronuous belief that what they post in their Instagram or Path or whatever medias available out there is a way to express themselves. Is it really?

Some teenagers need ‘followers’ and ‘likes’ the way humans need staple food. The more followers they have, the better they feel. The more ‘likes’ they get for their posts, the more boosted their self confidence is. They post anything that may reap as many ‘likes’ as possible. More often than not, they fall into the trap of creating an idealized image that is actually far from their actual self. This creates a great gap between who they think they are and who they appear to be.

Even without the cyber stage, the adolescent years are actually the time when teenagers realize there is a big difference between how they want others to see them and who they think they are. Later as they get older, as they acquire more skills and are able to show real achievements of their endeavors, the gap becomes narrower. And now, before they reach that safe pitstop, social medias are creating more pressure for them to look better than they really are and, thus, they risk losing their own identity as well as self-esteem.

I remember this pretty fifteen-year-old who insisted on saying that she was ugly because she had pimples – on her face as well as on her back. She came to ask for advice on the best dermatologist to help her get rid of those annoying little things. The pressure for her then doubled because she needed not only to look stunning in pictures she would then post on her cyber stage but also to look good in her outfit that would not betray the accepted ‘standard’ of identity as a teenager. 

The need to belong to these accepted standards in their circle, along with the desire to be recognized, takes them to a new, even more alluring, ‘playground’ to explore. With facilities now readily ‘available’ for them to test and try, the choices (and risks) are endless. Skipping classes, ganging up on a friend, breaking the curfew, partying, smoking, vaping, drinking, speeding, sexting, porns, free sex … the list continues. Exploring and venturing out into the ‘cool’ stuff seem to be very hard for them to resist but, although it sounds grave and worrying, this exploring phase is in fact normal and necessary to help them discover their identity as well as develop their thinking and reasoning skills.

Hold your horses now! How do exploring and venturing into those (mis)behaviors help my teens develop their thinking and reasoning skills, let alone discover themselves?

This has a lot to do with how the human brain is wired. Studies have disproved that by adolescence, teenagers are equipped with a fully mature brain and it is the lack of experience that makes them behave they way they do. On the contrary, continuous researches and studies show that human brain is not fully mature until someone is in their mid twenties; girls’ brain matures earlier than that of boys.

As the brain develops from back to front, the pre-frontal cortex, the part responsible for examining choices, planning, and making judgments, is the last cerebral lobe to reach maturity. As the brain develops simultaneously with other changes occuring in their physical, emotional and mental states, each activity, experience, and pattern of behavior contributes to the brain development towards maturity. At this stage, experiences, both negative and positive, continuously alter the brain as it matures. Repeated stimuli strengthen the cellular connections in the brain and infrequent occurrences result in the pruning process of the cellular connections that are scarcely used. When it comes to brain development, it is ‘use it or lose it.’

It is clear then that in early adolescence (10-13), when the pre-frontal cortex is far from mature to be able to make sound judgments, it is easy for teenagers to give in to the urge to explore and venture into the ‘unknown’ because they want to experiment with different behavioral patterns. At a later stage, in the middle adolescence (14-17), they start to venture even further to risky behaviors. Part of it is because they want to belong to their community and another part is because they are on the path to discover themselves and their values. Nevertheless, still immature at this point, the pre-frontal cortex is still unable to help them control impulses and stop them from adopting inappropriate behaviors. It is only in the later stage of adolescence (17-19) that teenagers learn to assess their own risk taking.

Those experiences - the experiences of trying out new things and the experiences of accepting the consequences of their behaviors - contribute to how the brain matures: the experiences without which the brain does not have enough data to develop and mature.

Isn’t it clear, then, that ‘letting go’ of our teenagers and accepting them they way they are, is in fact necessary to help them grow up to be functioning adults? 

And isn’t it clearer that it is at this time that our teenagers need us most to be present – not as helicopter parents but as their stronghold to instill values with which they can fly and soar while their wings are still not strong enough. 





Coming soon: what parents can do to help

Tahukah Engkau, Tuhan?

Kalau Tuhan mengenal setiap ciptaanNya bahkan sebelum mereka dikandung, apakah Dia juga tahu bahwa Adam dan Hawa akan jatuh dalam dosa? Tahukah Dia bahwa akan ada seekor ular, yang merupakan ciptaanNya juga, yang menggoda Hawa hingga Hawa kemudian mengajak Adam untuk mereguk 'kebahagiaan' bersama? Apakah Dia tahu bahwa ciptaanNya yang paling sempurna akan mengkhianatiNya?

Tuhan mengijinkan adanya hal buruk karena dari hal yang buruk akan ada hal baik yang muncul. Akan ada kemuliaan yang menyeruak keluar dari kumpulan dosa dan kesalahan. Apakah ini berarti Tuhan memang menciptakan sebagian makhluk ciptaanNya  untuk menjadi martir? Menjadi alat agar kemuliaanNya bersinar dan dapat dirasakan oleh banyak orang?

Saya belum menemukan jawaban atas pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu tapi saya belajar satu hal. Di antara selaksa ciptaanNya, hanya ciptaanNya di hari keenam inilah yang diciptakan serupa dengan Allah. Manusia diciptakan dengan kebebasan untuk tetap setia dalam persahabatan intim denganNya atau akan mengedepankan kepentingannya sendiri di atas keberserahannya akan kehendak dan aturan Allah. Kebebasan ini merupakan elemen bawaan yang sepertinya merupakan konsekuensi dari menjadi serupa dengan Allah - kita diperlengkapi dengan self-knowledge dan self-possession. Proses pencarian diri menjadi sangat berarti dalam kehidupan manusia karena proses inilah yang akan menjadikan manusia makhluk yang bertumbuh dan mendewasa dan dapat mendekatkan diri pada panggilan yang sudah Dia tetapkan.

Masalahnya, setiap manusia, dengan dosa asal yang diwariskan oleh Adam dan Hawa, memang akan menua dan kembali menjadi debu. Namun proses menua ini belum tentu dibarengi dengan proses mendewasa yang dibutuhkan untuk makin mendekatkan diri pada hakikat kemuliaan kita sebagai makhluk yang diciptakan sesuai rupa Allah.

Celakanya lagi, kecerdasan tingkat tinggi yang Tuhan berikan pada setiap dari kita seringkali membuat kita malah merasa menjadi tuhan. Tinggi hati, merasa diri paling pintar dan paling benar. Orang lain hanya makhluk-makhluk kacangan yang mengganggu stabilitas kehidupannya. Sok tahu, merasa mampu membuat kesimpulan untuk masa depan dengan berdalih analisa logika. Sok kuat, merasa punya otoritas atas masalah yang datang tanpa mau berserah pada kehendak Sang Pemberi Kehidupan. Besar kepala, menilai segala sesuatu dari ukuran intelektual sehingga lupa bahwa sebagai makhluk yang diciptakan serupa dengan gambar Allah, manusia diberikan tugas untuk berelasi dengan sesama dalam tataran kasih dan pelayanan.

“Sebelum Aku membentuk engkau dalam rahim ibumu, Aku telah mengenal engkau, dan sebelum engkau keluar dari kandungan, Aku telah menguduskan engkau, Aku telah menetapkan engkau menjadi nabi bagi bangsa-bangsa.” (Yer 1:5) Maka tahukah Engkau, Tuhan, apakah aku akan melangkah menjauhiMu atau akankah aku setia pada panggilanku seumur hidupku?

The Time God Saved Me In United Kingdom by Nicholas Budiman

I was exhausted. I finally reached United Kingdom. I looked around and smelled the fresh air. I could feel the breeze blowing. It was an awesome holiday. Until last night.

Last night was very scary. It went like this.
I got ready for bed after a long trip from Jogjakarta. I brushed my teeth, did my "business", and changed my clothes then I jumped to bed and turned on the TV. I watched BBC and fell asleep. I woke up three hours later feeling very cold. The lights were off, the TV was off, and the AC was on. I didn't remember doing all these stuff. It was very creepy and scary. I pulled the covers and tried to sleep. Well, I couldn't sleep because I felt something weird.

I couldn't sleep because I felt something watching me from the corner of the room. I tried to ignore it but I couldn't. Suddenly I was surrounded by a thick white mist. I wasn't on the bed anymore. I was on plain ground. I looked around and saw a big shadow coming closer to me. I screamed and prayed numerous times until the mist dissolved. The big shadow wasn't there and I was back in my room in the original state, light on, TV on, and AC off. Since that night I never went back to that room. I changed rooms with another customer.

FIVE YEARS LATER
I walked into a book and movie store. I asked the owner about horror books and movies then I found a book entitled "The Ghosts of The United Kingdom" and I also found a movie entitled "The Black Shadow". I bought both the book and the film and brought them home. At home I started to read the book and I realised the story was like my experience. So I stopped and watched the movie. Halfway through the movie I saw the black shadow and I froze. The black shadow was the shadow from my experience five years earlier.

The End

#noedit

The Time I Went Camping - Part 1 by Nicholas Budiman

It was dark when we reached there. The boat rocked when it hit the side. I woke up from my dreamless sleep and looked up. We were on a misty island with a small red brick house, a bed of dead flowers and mist beyond the flowers. We walked up the island and set camp in the red brick house.

I woke up because I heard a sound. A strange, yet familiar sound. I took my flashlight and walked outside. I walked slowly out of the red brick house and looked around. I saw something bright in the lake. I heard the familiar sound again. I looked to the left and walked slowly to the bed of dead flowers. There, the sound was so clear I could feel it in my body. Then I realised it was my dogs howling. A shower of relief washed over me.

I walked up to the red brick house and slipped inside. I was shocked because suddenly the red brick house was full of weird animals running around. 

I shot up in the tent and looked around. I realised that it was only a dream. Suddenly, I heard a strange yet familiar sound. 

~ to be continued 

I Love You As I Love You

It's funny that time and time again people should feel the need to elaborate and define the kind of love they have towards someone. It's true that 'love' has a lot of different meanings in different contexts but when two people truly love each other they should readily know the kind of love that they both share. There should be no need for elaboration.  

To me, love is unique. 

It's unique for each individual that becomes the object of my affection.

I love different people in different ways, at different depths. No two people get exactly the same kind of love; simply because love is as unique as the people feeling it. Thus, love speaks for itself and needs no explanation. 

For me, love goes beyond mere reasons.

At one point in my life, I came to realize that I don't need to have definite reasons for loving someone the way I do. Love exists because of love itself. I don't love someone due to particular qualities that they have. I may like someone because he's kind. I may like someone because she's smart. I may even like someone because he looks stunning. But when I love someone, it's just because I love them. 

The way I see it, love is everything that is not. 

It's almost impossible to define what love entails. Happiness, content, passion, serenity, calmness? Or sadness, wishful longings and hopes, uncertainties, nerve-wracking anticipations, anxieties? Love is everything that is intoxicating, and yet everything that is disconsolating. Because one cannot exist without the other. 

And to me, love is love. 

I don't love someone as a lover.

I don't love someone as a child.

I don't love someone as a parent.

I don't love someone as a sibling.

I don't love someone as a friend.

I love someone as an individual that completes me.

I love someone as they are.

I can't define who and what they are to me because love goes beyond who and what.


Oct 18, 2015
01.23

Also dedicated to a friend who's in a dilema ~ love is bound to bring confusion ☺.

I Am Letting You Grow

"Can I go to school by bike, Mom?" Nick has been asking that question for months now and the thought of my 11-year-old boy riding in a 'wild and scary' traffic was enough to make my stomach churn. It was not so much because of the distance, but, in my opinon, the traffic was really unbelievable. "Not yet," was the only 'logical' answer I could give him. Until one day he changed his request. "Tomorrow, can I go to church by bike, Mom?"

It's only about 1km from home to our church but, again, that's not the point. I didn't know what to say but I knew I had to make a decision.

His adamant request brought me back to the time when he insisted on going camping with Woodcamp. It was a hard decision for me to let my then 8-year-old boy go on a camping trip to a place I hardly know. I remember clearly how worried and uneasy I was before he left. I remember even more clearly how I felt during the time that he was away. Lots of "what if's" came rushing into my head in torrents. I also remember that in the end I surrendered in continuous prayers, asking God to stay with him every single second.

Did he come back fine?
No! He didn't come back just fine. He came back wonderfully. He came back a new person - happier, more mature, and more confident than he had been before he left. Proudly, he told us all. He told us that camping was fun. He also told us, with immeasurable pride, that he was worried at night but he could conquer it. It was then I knew that my little boy, my little Eaglet, had grown up. He was ready to soar. And I, too, should be ready to have an empty nest soon.

"But him riding a bike on the road by himself is a different matter," I heard myself say. Going camping is a lot safer because he is never alone. He has companies. Should anything happen to him, there would be his buddies and coaches to help him. But riding a bike on his own? What if? And there I was with fears and worries running through my head. I could hear myself saying "I know I have to let him do it. It's just not now."

His Dad was more at ease with the idea of Nick riding to church, though. "It's not that far," he said. And, I guess, the fact that he started going places by himself on his bike at the age of 12 made it easier for him to say yes. Still, I was not very sure. As the day came to an end, I still couldn't make a decision, but I was not as adamant as I was before. I still had a few more hours to think and consider but I knew I had to decide soon.

The next day, before the break of dawn, some very strong words hit me. "You have to let him grow. Just believe in God's grace. In the name of love for Nick and his future" a friend told me. It was spot on.

If I truly love him, I have to let him grow.

In the morning, his Dad and I had the "final" talk. We agreed that our decisions about his camping trips had been fruitful for Nick and it was all because we had given him a chance; a chance to prove himself and a chance to grow. So when he said "If you didn't give him a chance, he wouldn't grow," my mind was made up.

I am letting you grow, My Li'l Eaglet.
Fly! Soar! My prayers are always with you.