Raising Positive Teens 2 - WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD?

“Be thankful that your daughter is being unpredictably difficult to understand,” I said. And I could clearly see that look of disbelief on the face of the well-meaning Mom and Dad who came to me for advice because their once-sweet girl had turned into an unpredictable, sulky, moody, and hard to understand young lady. I could almost hear them say, “Are you out of your mind? You’ve got to be kidding!”

No, I am not. I am serious, as serious as a solemn ceremony, if you know what I mean.

Dear fellow parents, no questions asked, we do want our children to grow with a healthy personality. We hope to see them succeed in all aspects of their life. For this, we continuously send prayers for our children’s wellbeing … as well as for our sanity especially at this time of ‘turmoil.’ And if we are having difficulties understanding what is happening to them, they are even more confused dealing with things happening around them – those that they can control as well as those they have no choice but to comply.

Well, remember the ride along the highway with Buble singing Home from our car stereo system? And remember that blinding light that came out of nowhere? That sudden blinding light is the activated Gonadotropin-releasing Hormone (GnRH), without which our teenagers will not grow taller and bigger, they will not develop their muscle mass, they will experience pubertal failure and they will definitely have no functioning reproductive systems. So, it is that hormone that makes sure our teenagers have normal physical and sexual developments. It is also that hormone that makes our teenagers lose the directions with which they are familiar during the first eleven to twelve years of their life.

For one, the surging hormone necessary in this pubertal phase sends them into the world of dating and/or sexual exploration. Worrying as this may be, the phase is completely normal as it helps teens develop their sense of self as well as discover their own values, needs, and desires. However, it is also important to note that the pre-frontal cortex – the part of the brain responsible for decision making, controlling impulse, pondering over consequences, planning, and problem solving - does not mature until later in early adulthood. So, teenagers might rely heavily on their emotional part of the brain, the amygdala, when making decisions. This may lead to decisions made on impulse, resulting in aggressive, instinctive and emotional behavior.

The hormonal changes and the “slow” brain development are then faced with other factors that all of a sudden become the center of their being. What has been happening in the first twelve years of their life does not seem to matter so much now and they are drawn into other ‘big’ matters. The cute pink dress she used to love so much is now embarrassing because it makes her look fat and chubby. The T-shirt he would wear to any occasions despite our plea to choose another ‘more proper’ outfit is now prickly to his skin. The curly hair she used to be proud of is now the constant source of problem because those curls give her bad hair days everyday. Our constant nagging that he would at least brush his hair before going out has changed into our constant request that he would  stop meddling with his spiky hair just because he thinks it needs to be spikier.

The pressure to look good – whatever ‘good’ means in their mind – is starting to pull our kids away from the comfort of childhood. It seems so important for them to dress appropriately to be ‘accepted’ as members of the teenage community. As if this were not enough to put them on the constant ‘lookout’ for the latest trend, the desires to be recognized and to be the first to adopt the latest craze often drag our teenagers even further down the path towards the loss of identity.

What? Loss of identity? But I thought they were in search of their identity.

With the faster-than-light advance in communication technology, teenagers nowadays are facing pressures never before experienced by previous generations. Teenagers nowadays are presented with tons of medias to ‘help’ them not only find the newest fad but also express themselves. Unfortunately, with their lack of ability to make wise choices at this stage, there is a very big risk that they  might fall into the trap of following trends just to be recognized and not because they feel comfortable with the new trend. So, instead of finding themselves, they get lost in the identities of their idols. This phenomenon, that seems to happen earlier in teenage girls than their male counterparts, may lead to an erronuous belief that what they post in their Instagram or Path or whatever medias available out there is a way to express themselves. Is it really?

Some teenagers need ‘followers’ and ‘likes’ the way humans need staple food. The more followers they have, the better they feel. The more ‘likes’ they get for their posts, the more boosted their self confidence is. They post anything that may reap as many ‘likes’ as possible. More often than not, they fall into the trap of creating an idealized image that is actually far from their actual self. This creates a great gap between who they think they are and who they appear to be.

Even without the cyber stage, the adolescent years are actually the time when teenagers realize there is a big difference between how they want others to see them and who they think they are. Later as they get older, as they acquire more skills and are able to show real achievements of their endeavors, the gap becomes narrower. And now, before they reach that safe pitstop, social medias are creating more pressure for them to look better than they really are and, thus, they risk losing their own identity as well as self-esteem.

I remember this pretty fifteen-year-old who insisted on saying that she was ugly because she had pimples – on her face as well as on her back. She came to ask for advice on the best dermatologist to help her get rid of those annoying little things. The pressure for her then doubled because she needed not only to look stunning in pictures she would then post on her cyber stage but also to look good in her outfit that would not betray the accepted ‘standard’ of identity as a teenager. 

The need to belong to these accepted standards in their circle, along with the desire to be recognized, takes them to a new, even more alluring, ‘playground’ to explore. With facilities now readily ‘available’ for them to test and try, the choices (and risks) are endless. Skipping classes, ganging up on a friend, breaking the curfew, partying, smoking, vaping, drinking, speeding, sexting, porns, free sex … the list continues. Exploring and venturing out into the ‘cool’ stuff seem to be very hard for them to resist but, although it sounds grave and worrying, this exploring phase is in fact normal and necessary to help them discover their identity as well as develop their thinking and reasoning skills.

Hold your horses now! How do exploring and venturing into those (mis)behaviors help my teens develop their thinking and reasoning skills, let alone discover themselves?

This has a lot to do with how the human brain is wired. Studies have disproved that by adolescence, teenagers are equipped with a fully mature brain and it is the lack of experience that makes them behave they way they do. On the contrary, continuous researches and studies show that human brain is not fully mature until someone is in their mid twenties; girls’ brain matures earlier than that of boys.

As the brain develops from back to front, the pre-frontal cortex, the part responsible for examining choices, planning, and making judgments, is the last cerebral lobe to reach maturity. As the brain develops simultaneously with other changes occuring in their physical, emotional and mental states, each activity, experience, and pattern of behavior contributes to the brain development towards maturity. At this stage, experiences, both negative and positive, continuously alter the brain as it matures. Repeated stimuli strengthen the cellular connections in the brain and infrequent occurrences result in the pruning process of the cellular connections that are scarcely used. When it comes to brain development, it is ‘use it or lose it.’

It is clear then that in early adolescence (10-13), when the pre-frontal cortex is far from mature to be able to make sound judgments, it is easy for teenagers to give in to the urge to explore and venture into the ‘unknown’ because they want to experiment with different behavioral patterns. At a later stage, in the middle adolescence (14-17), they start to venture even further to risky behaviors. Part of it is because they want to belong to their community and another part is because they are on the path to discover themselves and their values. Nevertheless, still immature at this point, the pre-frontal cortex is still unable to help them control impulses and stop them from adopting inappropriate behaviors. It is only in the later stage of adolescence (17-19) that teenagers learn to assess their own risk taking.

Those experiences - the experiences of trying out new things and the experiences of accepting the consequences of their behaviors - contribute to how the brain matures: the experiences without which the brain does not have enough data to develop and mature.

Isn’t it clear, then, that ‘letting go’ of our teenagers and accepting them they way they are, is in fact necessary to help them grow up to be functioning adults? 

And isn’t it clearer that it is at this time that our teenagers need us most to be present – not as helicopter parents but as their stronghold to instill values with which they can fly and soar while their wings are still not strong enough. 





Coming soon: what parents can do to help